Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
