just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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