Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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