I hate all girls vehemently.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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