Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
