Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
