Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
