my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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