I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
