3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
