How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
