haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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