names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
