I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
