when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
