I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
