i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
