Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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