I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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