Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
