Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
