Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
