Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
