peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
