Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
