My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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