I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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