why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
