I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
