OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
