the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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