My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
