Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
