THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
