she woke up with a sticky ear
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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