the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He felt like a one man threesome
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm always down for nudity.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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