worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
