happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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