the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
