I am puke
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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