I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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