I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
