There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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