$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
