I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
