Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
