i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
