you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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