I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
