I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
